Archive for the 'Humor' Category

Shaolin vs. Ninja! The Pride of a Nation Rests on the Outcome

Aug 31, 2007 in Humor, Current Events

t16106sy58r.jpgReuters reported today that a lawyer for the Shaolin Temple in China demanded an apology from an internet message board poster who claimed that a Japanese ninja once defeated several Shaolin monks in unarmed combat.

“The Internet user, calling themselves “Five Minutes Every Day”, said on an online forum last week that a Japanese ninja came to Shaolin, asked for a fight and many monks failed to beat him, the newspaper said.

“The facts that the monks could not defeat a Japanese ninja showed that they were named as kung fu masters in vain,” the Internet user was quoted as saying in the post.”

The Beijing News said, “The so-called defeat is purely fabricated, and we demand the Internet user to apologise to the whole nation for the wrongs he or she did,” while the Shaolin Temple “’strongly condemned the horrible deeds’ of the user.”

Lets step back here for a minute. The entire nation of China is demanding an apology from some kook on an internet message board who said that ninja could defeat Shaolin. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

I won’t speculate on how a ninja/shaolin battle would turn out (except to say that it would be fucking awesome), but China seriously needs to grow a pair. For the most populous nation in the world — and the second largest economy in Asia — to be so sensitive about a message board comment demonstrates a lack of cojones. And it’s not just the Japanese. Mention Taiwan and the Chinese will turn red (no pun intended).

On second thought, a ninja would totally kick a Shaolin monk’s ass. Until next time, when the Chinese gov’t demands an apology from In My Room, and I create an international diplomatic incident by laughing at them…

Three years of b*** **bs

Sep 24, 2006 in Humor

Just to prove that anything can be sold on eBay, man puts well-used, 15-year-old Seattle Supersonics shaving bag up for auction. Fiancee mocks him, saying that it will never sell, and agrees to give him one blow job for every dollar of the final bid. She even puts it in writing.

The final bid was $1050.00 (The money is going to charity, to benefit Celiac disease research.) Congratulations, and I hope your future wife has a strong jaw! [via Digg]

Rachael Ray, stop making the rest of us look bad!

Sep 21, 2006 in Humor

She has 4 shows on the Food network, 12 cookbooks, a line of knives and cookware, as well as a magazine and now a daily talk show! On top of that, she’s also releasing a series of mix CDs with titles like the Too Cool for School Mixtape for Kids.

She admittedly sleeps only four hours a night, while nearly everyone who writes about her admits that just watching her is exhausting. Rachael Ray is everywhere, and she’s making Martha Stewart look lazy in comparison.

Soon she’ll star in her first motion picture and perhaps make her singing debut. You’ll be able to buy Rachael Ray® 30-Minute microwave meals in your grocers’ freezer. She’ll become a fixture on tabloid covers — “Rachael Ray’s secret struggle with bulimia!” In other words, she’ll be like Paris Hilton, but not as slutty (with the FHM pictorial as stand-in for the sex tape.)

Despite her increasing ubiquity and enduring popularity, it’s no secret that many people find her perkiness annoying (myself included). Therefore, it’s fun to imagine that behind the happy-go-lucky facade is the face of a media empire that snaps at subordinates, makes ludicrous demands and kicks puppies (ala Martha Stewart…except for the puppy kicking part. I made that up.)

I’m waiting for the inevitable headline, “Rachael Ray collapses from exhaustion.” Or the revelation that she’s addicted to cocaine, espresso and methamphetamines. I’ll leave you with a quote from a recent Time article:

“Admittedly, a little bit of the fun of watching her is hoping that you’re there the moment she cracks–when she finally knifes the stage manager with a Wüsthof or wails into her peppers and eggs. She’s like the popular girl in high school who is impressively nice to everyone but everyone secretly kind of hates. She’s too perfect, too in control, and just has to be at least a little bit phony.”

The ugliest Myspace page ever!

Aug 24, 2006 in Humor

Behold, the ugliest Myspace page ever! Not just ugly, but hilariously so. (Note the epileptic warning in the upper right hand corner).

This page in fact won a contest for the ugliest Myspace page. And here are the losers.

Speaking of epileptic seizures, here’s video of a Korean dancer going into one onstage — while the rest of the group keeps singing. Maybe I just have a twisted sense of humor.

More Bon Ami cleanser!

Jul 27, 2006 in Humor

Bob Harris was a contestant on Jeopardy over a dozen times, during which he lost every tournament he played in.

In this hilarious video promoting his new book, Prisoner of Trebekistan, Bob shows off the loot he’s won during his stint on Jeopardy, such as a lifetime supply of Bon Ami cleanser, Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup and Sue Bee honey.

In your absence I find other forms of amusement.

Jul 24, 2006 in Humor

An oldie-but-goodie: I was browsing through the contents of my old Livejournal (you probably wouldn’t be interested), and I came across this link.

The Surrealist Compliment Generator will provide you with minutes of fun, as well as a Dali-esque turn of phrase to woo the woman (or man) in your life. After all, what woman wouldn’t swoon over compliments like this?

A suburban distance lying across your chest, a purpled frock befitting the asphyxiated, cans of lima beans upon your knees, you are truly a goddess of disturbed tranquility!

You blink thrice warned that I can but think of the eyebrows of Richard Nixon covering a hostess of furry twinkies.

Your skin sheds forth so that I endlessly crave pans of fried baclava.

Romantic, no?

Santo Gold, Santo Gold!

Jul 06, 2006 in Humor


Above is a short clip from an infamous late ’80s infomercial for Santo Gold, which attempted to market both a gold jewelry business opportunity and a “science fiction space wrestling movie comedy” called Blood Circus.

This bizarre anomaly was reportedly seen frequently on late night TV, although it never made it to the air in Central PA (why?). Blood Circus ran for a week in Baltimore in 1985, and the original print is presumed lost. Mr. Santo Gold himself was prosecuted for mail fraud in 1988 and spent 10 months in prison.

I can only hope a full clip of this infomercial appears online soon. The Santo Gold Museum has collected what little information there is available. As for Santo Gold himself, either he or someone pretending to be him has an unfinished website at Santogold.com.

Fish and Poop

Jul 02, 2006 in Humor

This absolutely cracked me up:

This company needs to hire a new marketing person.

Bush: “Startling” source of energy just on the horizon

Feb 20, 2006 in Humor

Bush: U.S. on Verge of Energy Breakthrough - Yahoo! News

During a speech on his administration’s energy proposals, Bush declared, “Our nation is on the threshold of new energy technology that I think will startle the American people.” Startle? I can only wonder what kind of revolutionary energy technology is just on the horizon…

  • An endless souce of energy, powered by a) human stupidity b) righteous conservative indignation, or c) liberal outrage.
  • Methane production. There’s an endless supply from Taco Bell burritos and all you can eat buffets.
  • Harness energy from global warming. Oh wait, that doesn’t exist…
  • Millions of tiny hamsters exercising in millions of tiny wheels.
  • You’ve seen those potato clocks? Giant potatoes!
  • People.

Kiddie smut enticement or fat comic book geek porn?

Sep 28, 2005 in Humor

In the world of illustrated pornography, there’s your japanese hentai/anime stuff, the lowbrow Flash website stuff, the bawdy, crude Tijuana bibles stuff, the underground comix stuff, and then there’s this: A Hollywood lawyer might call it copyright infringement, but I call it a strange and unusual perversion of childhood memories — cartoon porn featuring popular (and copyrighed) animated characters.

  • There’s Cartoon Valley, which has an obvious Disney fetish. If you grew up on movies like Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast or Winnie the Pooh, this site will irreparably corrupt those cherished memories of your favorite characters.
  • What do you get when you cross Girls Gone Wild with the Cartoon Network? Toon Party, featuring what appears to be currently popular cartoon characters in drunken orgies. (Well, probably not Spongebob. He’s asexual. Besides, who’d want to do a sponge?)
  • Drawn Sex plunders the canon of American animation for it’s strange brand of smut.

There’s probably more, but you get my point. Somehow I think I lost a bit of my innocence seeing the Simpsons engaged in incestual behaviors.

MSNBC even did a two-part article on toon porn last year.

In an unrelated proclamation, I hereby declare Kanye West’s “Gold Digger” to be the “Hey Ya” of 2005. If you haven’t yet heard this scintillating slice of modern hip-hop, you soon will. And you’ll soon be sick of it too.