Do Republicans have better sex?

Tuesday, October 19th, 2004 @ 2:38 am | Current Events

The poll numbers have it! Sexual happiness may not be based solely on sexual experimentation and the fulfillment of one’s personal fantasies and fetishes; but rather a lifetime of vanilla, missionary position sex with one’s married heterosexual partner. And perhaps a few secret dalliances with mistresses, swingers and prostitutes on the side.

A recent ABC News sex poll reports that more Republicans than Democrats say they are “very satisfied” with their sex lives. Republicans are also more likely to wear something sexy to bed, and less likely to fake an orgasm. But another survey reported a few months ago in the archconservative Washington Times came to the opposite conclusion; and added that Democrats are also more likely to steal hotel towels, cheat on their significant other, snub their parents, and kick puppies. (Ok, I’m kidding about the puppies).

Considering that the ABC poll is true, one has to ask: What is it that makes Republican sex so hot? Perhaps the fact that sex is taboo to most Republicans makes it more exciting. After all, vices seem much more fun when they’re forbidden. As to the question of Republican women wearing sexy things to bed, I hear that those lingerie and toy parties are quite popular in the South. Let’s not discount the use of Viagra, which helped make Bob Dole’s sex life much more active than any of us cared to know.

Despite the GOP’s prudish, Victorian attitudes towards all things sex, on closer examination they seem to enjoy it as much as everybody else. Just look at the regular sex scandals that plague Republican politicians, the booming sex trade during the GOP Convention, and the constant preoccupation with ridding our society of anything related to non-marital, non-hetero sex (read: comprehensive sex education and gay rights/marriage).

So maybe they’re onto something. For Republicans, sex is more exciting when it’s something to be ashamed of. Prim, proper Republican women can be closet nymphomaniacs, and Republican men can often hide insatiable sexual fetishes. I know I’ll never look at conservatives the same way again.

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