Rachael Ray, stop making the rest of us look bad!

Thursday, September 21st, 2006 @ 10:39 pm | Humor

She has 4 shows on the Food network, 12 cookbooks, a line of knives and cookware, as well as a magazine and now a daily talk show! On top of that, she’s also releasing a series of mix CDs with titles like the Too Cool for School Mixtape for Kids.

She admittedly sleeps only four hours a night, while nearly everyone who writes about her admits that just watching her is exhausting. Rachael Ray is everywhere, and she’s making Martha Stewart look lazy in comparison.

Soon she’ll star in her first motion picture and perhaps make her singing debut. You’ll be able to buy Rachael Ray® 30-Minute microwave meals in your grocers’ freezer. She’ll become a fixture on tabloid covers — “Rachael Ray’s secret struggle with bulimia!” In other words, she’ll be like Paris Hilton, but not as slutty (with the FHM pictorial as stand-in for the sex tape.)

Despite her increasing ubiquity and enduring popularity, it’s no secret that many people find her perkiness annoying (myself included). Therefore, it’s fun to imagine that behind the happy-go-lucky facade is the face of a media empire that snaps at subordinates, makes ludicrous demands and kicks puppies (ala Martha Stewart…except for the puppy kicking part. I made that up.)

I’m waiting for the inevitable headline, “Rachael Ray collapses from exhaustion.” Or the revelation that she’s addicted to cocaine, espresso and methamphetamines. I’ll leave you with a quote from a recent Time article:

“Admittedly, a little bit of the fun of watching her is hoping that you’re there the moment she cracks–when she finally knifes the stage manager with a Wüsthof or wails into her peppers and eggs. She’s like the popular girl in high school who is impressively nice to everyone but everyone secretly kind of hates. She’s too perfect, too in control, and just has to be at least a little bit phony.”

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